Replacement of a Defective Ball:
If the ball bursts or becomes defective during the course of a match:
1/ The match is stopped.
2/ The match is restarted by dropping the replacement ball at the place where the first ball became defective * (see preface).
3/ If the ball bursts or becomes defective whilst not in play at a kick-off, goal kick, corner kick, free kick, penalty kick or throw-in. The match is restarted accordingly.

The ball may not be changed during the match without the authority of the referee.

Pretty meaty stuff eh?

Well lets look at the application to Real Life.

Real Life: Law 2 The Ball

The ball is the individual, guys… Wooo wee yes siree it is Bob..
There have always been plenty of balls in this world each one is as individual as the next… No two balls can be said to be exactly the same…

In Fuutball they want us to play with the one ball… And make them all the same as the next… In real life Jimmy, Adolf came up with the same solution…. Lets nay go THERE Jimmy!!!

For example lets say our ball we are playing with today is called Doris…

Now lets look at Doris’ dimensions:
36 – 28 – 32 with an inflation to a maximum of 220 KpA.

Spherical??? Well yeeah… It could be said she is shperical in a number of areas so we’ll take it as read she is a legal size.

Made of leather or similar compound?? The mind boggles really at what defines a similar compound… However, lets just say that Doris enjoys the sun a bit and welllll her skin has taken a beating from Hueys ultraviolet’s…

Circumference and weight dimensions are always issues we men treat with as much caution and suspicion as a Kampuchean minefield… We all know this sort of thing is fraught with danger… Lets just tell Doris that she looks beautiful in that circa 1952 Margaret Fulton floral frock and would she mind moving out of the way of the TV, pass the cashews and give me back the remote as Kewell now has the ball…

Pressure??… Now we’re talking.. Doris, our ball, needs pressure to be applied in many places. That’s OUR job.. Heh heh… Sometimes subtle, sometimes firm.. Pressure application can also be repetitive.. In a sommmmewwwwhat… Rhythmic fashion lets sayyyy.. Doris likes THAT sort of pressure very much and she should be most open to it’s continuation.. Hence we as men sometimes need to lift our game to ensure we are able to apply this pressure on a regualr basis..

However, there can times when Doris just says no to this pressure… Hmmm that’s right Umbherto… THAT is certainly NOT playing ball and the referee can advise that Doris, the ball, is defective… Hence a decision needs to be made and that’s where the rules of Association Fuutball come to our aid..
1/ The match is stopped.
2/ The match is restarted by dropping a replacement ball at the same position the defective ball became defective.
3/ The match can be restarted accordingly…

However, in real life this may not be practicable as Doris may a have a bit to squwark about it if you drop a replacement ball in named Cheryl. Indeed Doris may actually suddenly correct her defectiveness and line up a Beckham special from her corner into your very own orchestra stalls which is something we wish to be avoided hence: We may need to refer to Law 2: The Ball Subsection 3: Applying pressure/reinflation. Lets get Doris back in the match eh??

Once she’s back in the match we may safely assume that Doris may wish to offer her own services for inflation to us… I’ll cover that little chestnut in Law Ten – The method of scoring.

Righto lads I think that about does eh??

Cheerio!!

Law 1: The Field of Play
Dimensions:
The field of play must be rectangular. The length of the touch line must be greater than the length of the goal line.
Length: minimum 90 m (100 yds), maximum 120 m (130 yds)
Width: minimum 45 m (50 yds), maximum 90 m (100 yds)
Field Markings:
The field of play is marked with lines. These lines belong to the areas of which they are boundaries.
The two longer boundary lines are called touch lines. The two shorter lines are called goal lines.
All lines are not more than 12 cm (5 ins) wide.
The field of play is divided into two halves by a halfway line.
The center mark is indicated at the midpoint of the halfway line. A circle with a radius of 9.15 m (10 yds) is marked around it…….

Yaaarda Yaaarda Yaaawn… I think we all get the picture??

Law 1: Application to Real Life…

Our life is defined by the field of play… It’s definition can be designed by us or by others.. It is our choice as to whose definition/s we follow…

Yeeeeaahh I know waaay too deep maaaann…

Lets simplify.

Lets say for example your field of play is called Glenda.

Now Glenda is bang up for a bit of play in her field yet she feels the need to define what that play can be and by crikey who can actually play on her field…

This is called home ground advantage…

You’re the away team…

You’ve been in the smelly bus with plenty of other smelly blokes downing a few brewski’s getting ready for the big match at Glenda…

You hop off the bus and you’re stinging to have a play on Glenda’s field after all that time talking it up with your mates… You spy Glenda over there by the condiments machine… You’re eyes meet… A twitch forms at the right side of your gob in anticipation… All sound stops… Glenda nods her consent… The crowd roars as you trot merrily onto Glenda’s hallowed turf!!!!

This is IT! the BIG match!!! Hurrah!

Glenda has home ground advantage here, everything you do is based on her definition of The Field of Play…

Don’t dribble too much!! She’ll penalise you a free kick in the box.
If you shoot to soon??? Well that may be deemed to be an own goal…
You find you’re not making sense?? Pass man PASS!! Use your mates to help you out here… Take the easy option… Don’t make it difficult…

This way you get more of a say in the rules of the field of play… Don’t get bogged down by dimensions!! Man! Use your noggin’ and pretty soon Glenda will have you over all the time to play on her field…

She will eventually get bored of this and want to play an away match herself… Have a crack on your field of play..

THAT”s when YOU get home ground advantage!!

That’s when you get to throw your hands up high and yell to the heavens….

“GOOD HEAD!!!”

More later on transfers…